lost and lonely
wanting nothing more than to be alone
hating myself
and these contradictions.
anger bubbles from infected sores
that I should have lanced long ago.
I laugh condescendingly at myself
as I realize
the last few ties that bind us
bind me
will be my undoing.
where are my knives when I need them.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Tornado
I had a rough night last night.
Straight out of a horror movie. All I needed was some bloodshed.
Took pup for a walk, was followed into the blackness of the dead end road that never scares me by a hooded figure dancing from shadow to shadow.
Spoke to him/her/it, got no response. Pup bared his teeth and pulled a hell hound growl from somewhere deep. Figure seemed to float along the opposite side of the road, but in my direction. When I got close, it slipped into the trees. No sound. Creepy. Was it a ghost? I'm still not entirely sure.
Back in the house, I double checked all my locks, turned some lights on and everything else off so I could hear any noises, and went upstairs to bed.
Cue noises.
Small bumps, pops, things that could have easily been the house settling. A couple big ones that got the dog's dander up. I went downstairs and looked around, didn't see anything suspicious but I have to admit, I wasn't looking very hard.
I tried to distract myself with texts, twitter and other assorted online sites, and eventually I fell asleep.
Talk about vivid dreams.
First one, I was driving along with my uncle on a road by our small airport in town. As I looked up at the sky, I watched an EF5 tornado form. The spout was about 500 yards from my windshield. I was in total shock, unable to move or drive, and as it came toward my car I could hear my uncle screaming and I felt my ears pop.
I woke up drenched in sweat, screaming.
Second dream, I came downstairs in the morning after shutting off my alarm to find out I had been robbed, and the burglar was still in the house. It was early, I could tell around 6 am by the light coming through the kitchen window. He took everything, I had nothing left - no furniture, no food, nothing. My dog was nowhere to be found, and I started to cry. Then, he came for me. I ran up the stairs, screaming, crying.
At this point I woke up, screaming again, but it felt so real I went running downstairs expecting to find my house empty.
Little did I know, someone actually tried to break in. I must have heard the noises while I was sleeping, causing the dream.
There are crowbar marks on my exterior windowsills.
Fuckers.
Straight out of a horror movie. All I needed was some bloodshed.
Took pup for a walk, was followed into the blackness of the dead end road that never scares me by a hooded figure dancing from shadow to shadow.
Spoke to him/her/it, got no response. Pup bared his teeth and pulled a hell hound growl from somewhere deep. Figure seemed to float along the opposite side of the road, but in my direction. When I got close, it slipped into the trees. No sound. Creepy. Was it a ghost? I'm still not entirely sure.
Back in the house, I double checked all my locks, turned some lights on and everything else off so I could hear any noises, and went upstairs to bed.
Cue noises.
Small bumps, pops, things that could have easily been the house settling. A couple big ones that got the dog's dander up. I went downstairs and looked around, didn't see anything suspicious but I have to admit, I wasn't looking very hard.
I tried to distract myself with texts, twitter and other assorted online sites, and eventually I fell asleep.
Talk about vivid dreams.
First one, I was driving along with my uncle on a road by our small airport in town. As I looked up at the sky, I watched an EF5 tornado form. The spout was about 500 yards from my windshield. I was in total shock, unable to move or drive, and as it came toward my car I could hear my uncle screaming and I felt my ears pop.
I woke up drenched in sweat, screaming.
Second dream, I came downstairs in the morning after shutting off my alarm to find out I had been robbed, and the burglar was still in the house. It was early, I could tell around 6 am by the light coming through the kitchen window. He took everything, I had nothing left - no furniture, no food, nothing. My dog was nowhere to be found, and I started to cry. Then, he came for me. I ran up the stairs, screaming, crying.
At this point I woke up, screaming again, but it felt so real I went running downstairs expecting to find my house empty.
Little did I know, someone actually tried to break in. I must have heard the noises while I was sleeping, causing the dream.
There are crowbar marks on my exterior windowsills.
Fuckers.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
I went for a run tonight.
I went for a run tonight.
I've always loved to run after dark. I feel more solitude and peace.
There's a spot not far away that I always gravitate to; it's secluded, quiet, with an unobstructed, expansive view of the southern sky. There are no streetlights, save for the distant highway amber globes. Fireflies flicker and dance in the trees, and I can really be alone.
I even ran without music tonight.
I don't jog. I run. Through nine years of track my coaches always wondered how I could keep such a pace. I've never been able to run great distances, but the miles I do feel like milestones more than accumulated inches.
I don't run every day anymore. I haven't for a while now. I save it for days when I need it most.
Tonight I ran like I was chasing the heels of the devil himself.
I ended it flat out exhausted. Collapsed on my driveway and stared at the stars. It felt incredible.
I reflected on some things.
I spent some time today with a man I barely know. I call him my "ghost." I see my pain in a cracked reflection in his beautiful blue eyes.
Sometimes I make decisions with my heart before my head can stop me. I'm just that girl. I want to give myself to everyone and everything, and I end up stretched too thin. Some people are suspicious, and question my motives. Some people take my gestures to mean that I'm looking for something. Sometimes, I help people that I later realize I shouldn't have. Most of the time, making a difference in someone's day, even for a moment, makes a difference in my life. That's the reason why I do what I do, why I am who I am.
Once in a while, though, I come across a broken soul. Someone like me.
Those days are the days that I run.
I went for a run tonight.
I've always loved to run after dark. I feel more solitude and peace.
There's a spot not far away that I always gravitate to; it's secluded, quiet, with an unobstructed, expansive view of the southern sky. There are no streetlights, save for the distant highway amber globes. Fireflies flicker and dance in the trees, and I can really be alone.
I even ran without music tonight.
I don't jog. I run. Through nine years of track my coaches always wondered how I could keep such a pace. I've never been able to run great distances, but the miles I do feel like milestones more than accumulated inches.
I don't run every day anymore. I haven't for a while now. I save it for days when I need it most.
Tonight I ran like I was chasing the heels of the devil himself.
I ended it flat out exhausted. Collapsed on my driveway and stared at the stars. It felt incredible.
I reflected on some things.
I spent some time today with a man I barely know. I call him my "ghost." I see my pain in a cracked reflection in his beautiful blue eyes.
Sometimes I make decisions with my heart before my head can stop me. I'm just that girl. I want to give myself to everyone and everything, and I end up stretched too thin. Some people are suspicious, and question my motives. Some people take my gestures to mean that I'm looking for something. Sometimes, I help people that I later realize I shouldn't have. Most of the time, making a difference in someone's day, even for a moment, makes a difference in my life. That's the reason why I do what I do, why I am who I am.
Once in a while, though, I come across a broken soul. Someone like me.
Those days are the days that I run.
I went for a run tonight.
Friday, June 10, 2011
beautiful skies
sometimes
I get lost in the skies
swept away on the breeze
adrift in the sunset.
then, sometimes
I get clouds in my eyes
and I lose all my dreams
as I try to forget.
this time,
I'll remember goodbye
as I sway with the trees
and let go of regrets.
I get lost in the skies
swept away on the breeze
adrift in the sunset.
then, sometimes
I get clouds in my eyes
and I lose all my dreams
as I try to forget.
this time,
I'll remember goodbye
as I sway with the trees
and let go of regrets.
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