Saturday, December 31, 2011

Goodbye 2011

This year began, for me, in Florida, at Walt Disney's EPCOT. I was sitting by the lagoon with my best friend in a sea of people excited to ring in a new year, a fresh start. We were nibbling on a new kind of Mentos that I was given by a vendor, which weren't very good, and waiting for the light show to begin.

Let me say this, quickly: you have not seen fireworks until you've seen fireworks done by Walt Disney World. The best, by far, are in EPCOT in the lagoon in the center of the World Showcase. Every night at 9pm, magic truly does happen. If you have not seen it, I suggest you make the journey. It is moving, and the New Year's Eve show did not disappoint. So far, it's the best New Year's celebration I have been a part of. I felt a new energy, a new hope, come to the surface as the clock counted down from ten to one. Finally, a new beginning.

Hope is a beautiful thing, and from that moment on, I knew 2011 would be a year to remember.

The winter was harder than usual, with record breaking snowfall. Toward the end of January, On a Sunday afternoon, I was playing on my laptop in my mother's dining room, and I decided to look into buying a house. I don't know what drove me to that decision, but in my typical fashion, I made a quick decision with little thought about it, and never looked back. I sent an email to a mortgage broker, and after looking at five or six properties, I put in an offer. Six weeks from the start of my search, I signed mortgage paperwork. From now on I will no longer beware the ides of March. :-)

Sitting alone in the house, in the dark, shortly after I signed all the paperwork, I felt peace deep down in my soul for the first time in my memory. That may sound odd, but I've always been a restless soul, always ready to jump and move onto the next adventure, the next chapter. Here, I feel settled, like nothing is chasing me, biting at my heels. It's a lovely feeling, to know you can stop running.

It wasn't long before I was moving my stuff in,  replacing doors, planting grass and making my mark on my little corner of the world. The picture below is taken of the first thing I hung in my kitchen. I was quite proud, that day.



In April, I saw Third Eye Blind in Hampton. This was the first of many concerts I would attend this year. I hung around for a while after the show and met the guys out behind the venue. Got pictures with them all, they signed my ticket, and I left relatively satisfied with the whole experience.

Spring, and the month of May came and went. I visited Florida for a time, around Memorial Day. This is the first year in a long time that I haven't cultivated a garden - instead, I spent a lot of time and money on home improvements. I planted two apple trees, a peach tree and an apricot tree. As the summer went on, I found a lot of existing flowering trees and plants in the yard ... it really was a thing of beauty in full bloom.




Summer was very busy for me, as it always is, between work, family and now the house. I watched some fireworks on the fourth of July, thought about my grandfather, as I always do, and wondered if he'd be proud of me now. For the first time, I think he would.

I started developing some out of the ordinary friendships this summer. One with a woman named Annie who has come to be a very dear friend to me. We met through Assembly. She and I have had some interesting conversations, and I'm sure there are more to come in the future.

Another one, in particular, with a rather mysterious man has come to mean a lot to me, despite my early reservations. We've talked about a lot of things, some things I'm afraid to open up to people in my real life about. We have common musical tastes, and apparently want the same foods at the same time, or so he tells me. ;-) Regardless, we've been there for each other almost by accident a lot this year, and my life would be less without him in it.

I turned 30 in August. I dreaded it for a long, long time. I thought I hadn't accomplished enough in my life, hadn't achieved what I should have achieved ... then the day came, I spent it at the lake with my best friend and her family, and I realized, my life is just as it should be and I have nothing to worry about. I have no  obligation to anyone but myself, and that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.

This picture is of the full moon rising over Crystal Lake on my birthday. It was my favorite gift, this year.


September came in like a hurricane. I was still going through the process of unpacking, redoing rooms, painting, and being a part of life in general. I saw Incubus and Young The Giant on the 9th, and the The Foo Fighters and Rise Against on the 25th. Then, one night, in hot, balmy weather, I was sitting on my porch with a few candles lit, and just started writing. A few hours later, I had pages and pages of material ... lo and behold, I started writing a novel. That night, I slept better than I had in years - it was as if the story was inside me all along, fighting to get out. I've never had an experience like that, but the story continues and it's almost as if it's writing itself. It's quite an amazing thing.

October, as I often say, is my favorite month. Fall is when I am in my element, and Halloween is my Christmas. I reveled in the autumn weather this year, and threw the best party I've had yet. I was approached last week by people telling me they can't wait for next year's party. That, to me, feels like success :-)


November is when the mad dash, for me, really started.
On the 14th I went to Cambridge to see Dessa perform in a nightclub. I was sitting on the side of the stage, there were maybe 150 people there. What an incredible experience.

On the 18th I flew to Florida again for a much needed break. Did an early Thanksgiving with the family, and went to the beach for the weekend. I think I realized, sitting on the beach in the dark, listening to the waves, that Florida needs to be my second home. I love the ocean - it calls to me on a deep, deep level. I could have slept all night, laying on the sand, staring at the stars. I even signaled some UFOs with my lighter for a while.

The next morning, James took this picture at sunrise. One of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Owen, like me, loves the ocean.


Flew back and the Holiday rush commenced. I generally can't stand Christmas. I've lost a lot of my holiday spirit over the years; people, in general are always so miserable and it just drains all of my energy every day. Somehow, this year, though, things were determined to be different.


I went to New York City on December 6th to visit with a dear friend and to see 30 Seconds To Mars perform a record breaking show at the Hammerstein Ballroom on the 7th. They called it MARS 300, and received a Guinness World Record for performing the most shows in promotion of a single album. Got there early and met Karen, the epic Shannon fan of twitter fame. She's as cool in person as she is online. We got super close to the stage and it was an excellent show. Life changing for many people, from what I could see. She and I met up again the next day, we had Guinness and a late lunch at an Irish pub near Penn Station. We were both a little less shy this day, it seemed, and the conversation was a lot more real; it felt like the beginning of a lovely friendship.


Kevin Cadogan had long since announced that he and Arion Salazar had reunited at the DMV, of all places, and had been jamming. Around this time, they announced on The Chorus that they would be taping a concert for a television show on Dec. 19th. Call me crazy, call me impulsive - I decided I had to go. Two of my heroes, long lost to the music they created together, were having a reunion - how could I NOT go? I talked to my brother about it, and we made it happen. For that, I will be forever grateful.

The show was threatened by a C&D letter, and some were worried it wouldn't happen for a while, but Kevin & his lawyers came through. Kevin noticed I was flying quite a ways and gave me a couple of VIP tickets the day before my flight left ... I was super excited about the show already, as you know if you follow my facebook or twitter accounts. I'm pretty sure I didn't shut up about the show for a solid three weeks. Then to be a "VIP" - well, that was just the bees knees. :-)

I flew to California for the first time in my life on the 18th. Had an awful experience getting the rental car and settled into the "hotel," but once I got some sleep, the next day held a lot of promise. I woke up bright eyed at seven a.m. (still being on East Coast time) and decided to make use of the beautiful sunshine. I got into my rental car, turned on the GPS, and headed west toward the coast. Once again, the ocean was calling me. I ended up driving along highway 92 toward Half Moon Bay state park. The drive was so beautiful through the mountains and the beach was stunning. I can now say I've been in the ocean on both coasts.


After spending a few hours there, I drove down route 1 for a while and beheld the beauty that is California's coastline. I eventually headed back toward San Jose and drove through a redwood forest. My God, those trees are enormous ... so much more incredible in person.  And the views from the road up high on the cliffs ... they made Mt. Washington look like an anthill. Just gorgeous.

Making my way back to the hotel for a nap, I had Garbage blasting on the radio. I felt like I was back in the 90s again. I miss that decade. "I'm only happy when it rains .... "


Ate some dinner, charged my phone, and after a quick nap made my way to the Bellarmine College campus. Met up with an old Assembly acquaintance there, and gave him my other VIP pass. It was nice to share the wealth with someone I knew would appreciate it. I'd never met Jon in person before, but we'd talked quite a bit and he was an awesome person to spend the concert with.

Before the doors opened, there were at least 150 people lined up outside. The producer came out and started lining us up by category ... he said "anyone with VIP tickets, meaning friends of the band, line up here ... " yeah I felt pretty fucking badass being called to that line, and Jon was beside himself. We were called into the theater first, and since I flew all the way from NH, I got asked to sit up on stage first. Jon came with me, and we sat right next to where Arion would be playing. We weren't more than 6 feet from him the whole show. Hearing the music played by them ... I can't describe it. It was the way it was supposed to sound. The magic was back. The best part was seeing them both so blatantly happy - joy was written all over their faces, and was definitely the theme of the night. Arion kept looking over at me and smiling, and John Stephens had great energy. What a night.

Jon, myself and a few others hung out after the show and met the producer and a lot of the staff, and the guys came out and chilled with us for a bit. They signed Jon & I's setlists, and made a few jokes ... all in all I had a once in a lifetime experience that I will never forget.

Needless to say, I got no sleep that night. My heart was pounding with adrenaline and sheer joy - and I had a six am flight the next day. Coming back to NH, I was sad that it was all over, but Kevin kept putting things up  about me on his Facebook & Twitter and Arion talked about me on his Chorus post about the show ... it was like someone upstairs wanted me to know that yes, it really did happen, and I should be happy for the holidays this year. The whole thing was a Christmas miracle, I'm convinced.



Now I'm sitting here, on New Years Eve, watching Pearl Jam 20, making a wish at 11:11, and hoping that 2012 will shatter the records this year made.

Blessings to all of you, and Happy New Year. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being a part of my 2011, and I hope you continue to stick around til the end of the world. ;-)

Cheers!! Now, where's the bubbly ...


Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Darkness

I am the darkness.
I am a sea of lost emotion
drowning all that follow.
At the candle's last flicker,
I am the willow wisp of smoke
that caresses your hand.
On a rain swept night
As a chill wind blows
I am the tear that falls from a willow tree.
In the autumn air
above wood smoke plumes
I am the midnight star, flickering.
As a full moon rises
painting the world cool blue
I am the soft, warm breath of a heady scent.
As leaves rustle to silence
beneath the first snow's fall
I become the deepened shadow ghost.
I meet the dawn in loneliness.
I am the darkness.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

an owl's cry


Moonlight surrounds me
breathtaking in its beauty
solemn and strong.
The warmth from my lips leaves foggy trails
betraying where I've been.
Ghosts, memories of lives long gone
once haunting, wailing, blackening the skies
are weakened, thinned through time.
All that's left are whispers.
To them, I send a smoky goodbye
on a warm breath in cold night air.
These are new nights
This, this is my new life.

I feel alive when the temperatures drop.
cold hands, warm skin beneath leather and wool
scents of wood smoke, bourbon, cologne ..
taste of apples on my lips ..
intoxicating.
brightly colored leaves tinted blue after midnight
crunch beneath footsteps in no hurry to fall.
My heart beats, with you, in this.
Everything else, just stops.
This night will last a lifetime.
I spread my arms
let out a cry
and laugh with delight.
This, this is my time.

Once again, life has shifted.
Against all odds,
I survived.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Review of the Foo Fighters, Live on 9/25/2011

I apologize that this is so long overdue. I wanted to wait until I had time to do it justice. Never really "reviewed" anything before, but I'm giving it a shot. Here goes..

I traveled to Buffalo, NY with my brother and a friend to see the Foo Fighters live at the First Niagra Center on 9/25/2011. A little band called Rise Against opened - check them out if you haven't already. I became a fan after seeing them live - quality rock music with a different sound. Truly original and talented.
Moving on to the main event...

After the opening song, Dave Grohl addressed the audience. This is a direct quote:
"We've been a band for a long fucking time, and we've got a lot of fucking songs ... you wanna hear 'em all? (crowd goes nuts)  It's gonna be a loooong fucking night!"

At this point I knew the night was going to be epic.

Here's the setlist:

Bridge Burning
Rope
The Pretender
My Hero
Learn To Fly
White Limo
Arlandria
Breakout
Cold Day In The Sun
Stacked Actors
Walk
Monkey Wrench
Let It Die
These Days
Skin & Bones (With Krist Novoselic)
This Is A Call
In The Flesh (Pink Floyd cover)
All My Life

Encore:
Long Road To Ruin
Best Of You
Times Like These
Dear Rosemary
Breakdown (Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers cover)
Everlong

Yes, you read it right. That is a twenty-four song deep setlist.

I'm including a couple of videos - they were taken with my andriod so the audio isn't great, but it will give you the idea. I have better ones coming from a video camera, I'll post them when I have them edited.

Bridge Burning was an awesome start - crazy guitar, drums and all around energy. Dave puts all other lead singers to shame with his stage presence.

Rope, amazing ... "Choke! on a kiss, I thought I'd save my breath for you ...... gimme some rope, I'm coming loose, I'm pulling for you now / Gimme some rope I'm coming out of my head, into the clear / when you, go, I come loose ... " I stand by my statement that "Wasting Light" is the best album they've done to date.



The Pretender - I get chills every time I hear that song, and it did not disappoint live. Ever heard 20,000 people screaming like the world was about to end? Go to a Foo show. It will blow your mind. "I'm the face you have to face, mirrored in your stare..."

Tyler was already shirtless and sweating bullets at this point, three songs in. Dave poked fun at him during a short break when he grabbed a towel and buried his face in it. "You need a tissue? It's gonna be alright, Tyler. Let it out." If you don't already know, these guys have an incredible sense of humor. They are the total package. Non-stop entertainment.

My Hero - goes without saying. One of the best songs in Rock & Roll.
Learn To Fly was excellent, one of the more "calm" songs they performed. "We'll live happily ever trapped if you just save my life ... run and tell the angels that everything's alright ..."
White Limo was incredible, goes almost without saying. Only thing missing was Lemmy on stage. "Now if you don't care / Take a ride somewhere .."

Arlandria. This song deserves special mention. In my opinion, this was one of the highlights of the performance. "Come on hear me out ... " The guitar starting here, heard live, was a religious experience. I think I saw Jesus when Dave hit the notes that start at 1:21 on the record version. Brilliant. Chills, excitement, awe, wonder, you name it, I felt it during this song. "Use me up, spit me out / Lemme be your hand-me-down ..." this performance alone cemented the group into my top three favorite bands forever.



At this point of the show they went old school with Breakout ... the crowd enjoyed it. Cold Day In The Sun was great to hear live, more of a classic rock/ country feel. If you haven't heard it, it's available on "Skin & Bones" - the acoustic live album. "I think it's time you walked this lonely road all on your own / it's your cold day in the sun.."
Stacked Actors was expected, and extended, as usual. Still an excellent live song, and I suspect it always will be. "you're just another aging drag queen ... " amazing.

Walk. I know I am repeating myself, but this new music is incredible. I can't say it enough. It's even better live, if that's possible.

Dave and Chris Shiflett had a guitar solo competition at this point .... crazy good.

Here's some of it:


Monkey Wrench, Let It Die, These Days ... all incredible. The entire stadium shook with our voices screaming "ONE OF THESE DAYS, I bet your heart will be broken, I bet your pride will be stolen, I bet I bet I BET I BET ..."

Krist Novoselic - the original bassist for Nirvana - made an appearance on Skin & Bones. He was well received. If you don't know already, this show took place on the 20th anniversary of the release of Nirvana's "Nevermind." Dave only made one comment about it: "This is a very special show tonight, but you don't need to worry about why..." Krist also recorded the bass on "I Should Have Known" on Wasting Light. If nothing before this has convinced you to buy this album, that in itself should.

This Is A Call ... another classic.
Their cover of Pink Floyd's "In The Flesh" was incredible. They played it a few days later on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, with Roger Waters himself. Check out the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tout_z3Yrs

All My Life is a perfect end to a set. Fortunately for us, we had another 35 minutes of encore to go ...

During the break, lights were down, and up on the big screen came up a video of Dave and Tyler on a night vision camera...


They were playing games with the crowd, and Dave was putting up fingers ... one, two, three .. the higher the numbers, the louder the stadium got. He made a guesture as if to say "fuck it" and walked off camera - everyone booed. He promptly flipped us off.  LOL ... then he put up six fingers, and you could feel the ground vibrating from the screaming and pounding of the crowd.

Lights came up and Dave was here ... right in front of me.


I like to think he was looking right at me in this one ... it certainly felt that way :-)




Long Road to Ruin ... crazy. "Runnin though hell, heaven can wait.." There was a couple up in the nosebleed cheap seats, each wearing a white t-shirt with a big "F" in the Foo Fighters font on it. Could see them dancing together from where I was. Awesome moment.

Dave continued solo acoustic through Best of You and half of Times Like These. Right about at "I'm a new day risin .." the entire band joined in.

Dear Rosemary ... another religious experience.
Breakdown cover was flawless.
Everlong was a fitting conclusion to three hours of live performance.

How many bands have you seen play a six song encore?

This concert was hands down the best show I have ever been to, and I have seen hundreds of bands live. This show sold out, with good reason. The Foo Fighters deliver.

If they're coming to your town, buy a ticket. It will be the best $40 you ever spend.
http://www.foofighters.com/us/tour

Cheers everyone. Much love.

Monday, October 3, 2011

restless moonlight

went for a walk in the dark of night tonight
the moon was smiling, all was neatly quiet.
Didn't intend to go exploring, but so it was.

I thought of you.
Haven't in a while.

I know I cross your mind from time to time.
Good intentions know no struggle with distance.

Sometimes the lonely gets the best of me. I wonder, when it does, if it will be this way forever.
I'm quite difficult, you know. Intimidating, hard to handle, stubborn, take your pick.
I may be tough, but so help me God, I will never settle again. It's all or nothing, baby. Get in, buckle up & hang on or get the fuck out of my way.
Maybe if you're special enough, I'll let you drive.
That is, if you can handle an american six speed with a tricky clutch. ;)


Thursday, September 15, 2011

Reflections


Went to Incubus on 9/9/11. Here's the setlist:


Megalomaniac
Wish You Were Here
Adolescents
Anna Molly
Promises, Promises
If Not Now, When?
Privilege
Consequence
Are You In? [Rider's on the Storm snippet]
Vitamin
In the Company of Wolves
Defiance
Paper Shoes [Acoustic]
The Warmth
A Crow Left of the Murder
Dig
Drive
Switchblade
Nice to Know You


Encore:
Pardon Me
Tomorrow's Food


Young The Giant opened for them. Good band ... check them out.


This concert was incredible. 2 hours of live Incubus music, and I love the tribute to The Doors. I recorded "Dig" on video, I will post it soon, as well as all the pics. Brandon Boyd is a lovely male specimen, let me tell you. He now adorns my desktop, shirtless and crooning.






They've been a band for 20 years. I felt pretty old after Brandon mentioned that little tidbit. lol


All in all, I have plenty of music to keep me company in 3eb's absence. Going to see Rise Against open for the Foo Fighters next weekend. Goo Goo Dolls in October, and so far Tori Amos is closing out the year for me. I'm sure I'll add more as the season progresses.


I've been restless these last couple of days. I feel the balance in my life shifting .. or rather, disappearing. Too much work, not enough yoga. Or sex. Or something. Anything, really, besides this  hectic summer realm I've been living in.


Fall is here, my friends. My time to shine. Let's hope I see my reflection looking back at me in the mirror ... else I may have turned to the dark after all.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

just another obstacle, I suppose

While checking my email yesterday I saw an article on Yahoo about skin cancer risks, self examination, and other information. I decided to check myself out since redheads with a lot of freckles are at a higher risk of getting it than others.

Much to my dismay, I found this spot in the center of my back that's just a bit smaller than a dime. I don't remember it being there at all, at least not this big and raised up like a bump. I had my Mom take a picture of it because I can't see it well in the mirror.


My doctor tells me that he's almost 100% sure it's melanoma.

Great.

I have three other dark spots he wants to have checked, too.
I kind of knew this day would come, but I didn't think it would be this soon. At least it's treatable.

This is the article I read. You should too.

If I hadn't read it, who knows how long this little bump would have gone unnoticed.
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/health/would-you-know-skin-cancer-if-you-saw-it-2537445/#photoViewer=1

Friday, August 26, 2011

sleepless night

I'm sitting in my room at the computer, stressed the fuck out.
hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. this woman's name is Irene, and she's irate.
I can't sleep. I know my family is prepared - I made sure of that. I, however, am not in such good shape.
I don't have a generator (note to self - add to Christmas list) and this is my first time in my own house with my own trees to worry about coming through the windows or roof and other such nonsense.
New England wasn't built for 100 mph winds.
I have a few things left to pick up tomorrow, then it will be time to batten down the hatches.
I'm so glad I bought a sturdy house with a big, safe basement that sits up on a big hill away from flood zones.
So many people are saying it will be nothing... I have such a bad feeling they are wrong.
I really hope I'm the one who's wrong.

I could really use a cigarette or two right now. Too bad I quit last year.

Bugger.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Indian Summer



Nothing makes me happier than a cool breeze on a warm Indian summer night.
I want to run around barefoot and freezing
dreaming of the promise that life always holds
whispering to my best friend, maybe grabbing his hand
and pulling him along into a haphazard dance.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

thirty

My birthday is next Wednesday. I'm turning the dreaded thirty. I don't know why this age is bothering me so much, but it's terrifying. Everyone I speak to tells me they had a hard time with it, too, although once it was over it wasn't as much of a big deal as they thought it would be. Why, then, is my rational mind having such a hard time coming to terms with this age?

I sit here, in a house I bought all on my own, with a well adjusted life, and wonder what the hell I'm so upset about. I should be happy, proud, and satisfied, but somehow I'm still afraid of missing something.

I see my friends running around in their hectic, expensive lives where taking a shower is a luxury and wonder if that's the kind of life I still want: married, 2.5 kids, white picket fence and a golden retriever chasing a cat around the yard. When I was young, up until I met Sean, I always said I didn't want kids, didn't want to get married. I didn't think my personality fit into that lifestyle. Suddenly being with him, everything changed. I had dreams of us living together, him talking to the child in my womb, taking care of me. Looking back now, I see how much of myself I changed to maintain that relationship. It really is amazing what a woman will do to keep up appearances - even one as independent and strong willed as I.

The funniest thing of all is that I didn't even know I was changing. I was slowly boiling in a pot on steadily increasing heat; the temperature never went up enough at once to warn me away, and one day I woke up dead.

I know I don't want to go through that hell again. What could have been the best years of my life instead turned out to be a horrific, painful waste of time. Youth truly is wasted on the young; if only we could all be Benjamin Button.

My doctor told me last week that I have "come so far in the last two and a half years" since I sat on his table crying dry tears and ready for death. I am clear headed now, and I am as happy as I can be in my constant drug-numbed state; so much so that he tells me I don't need the drugs anymore. I am "cured." I never wanted to take them to begin with, but I needed help then. I wonder what life will be like as "me" again. Will I be the "me" that loves quiet, solitary moments and never wanted kids or commitments, or will I be the "me" that doesn't want to be alone? It's an interesting trip I'm on, I'll tell you.

Maybe I just told myself I wanted the expensive, hectic version of the "american dream" because that's what he wanted. Say something often enough, eventually you will start to believe it. The rational me knows that I have an incredible life that many others say they envy - I come and go as I please, I don't answer to anyone other than my dog, I make more than the average american - enough to afford a house, a car and other luxuries comfortably. I love my job, have a loving (if dysfunctional) family and I have many friends that love me. Rationally, I know that I have enough, but it's a constant battle. I don't know why I have to keep reminding myself of all the good things in life.

Rationality doesn't always win, despite what others say.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Wolves

Lovingly reblogged from 364quotes.blogspot.com




An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life…

He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between
two wolves. One wolf is evil—he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride,
competition, superiority, and ego.

The other is good—he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness,
benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.”

They thought about it for a minute, and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which
wolf will win, Grandfather?”

The Elder simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Saturday, July 9, 2011

To My "Kalle Fucking Blomkvist"



Went for a walk in a storm today
to see how much temptation
fate could shake

an old white pine was my protector
my only honest shelter
from the things that might have been

on my return, I lit two candles in your honor
I've always hated even odds
but I'll write by them until my jealousy can kill their cause.

your silence
it killed me once
but hearing you just now
has left me twisted up and turned to frost.

I wanted you to care, you didn't.
now I'm over you, you do.
What a terribly horrid puzzle that's about to come unglued.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Michael





There is nothing like a sunset on a hot New England day, he thought to himself as he hit speeds topping 120 mph in the 67 Shelby. That car was the only woman Michael St. Jean would ever need - she was reliable, purred like a kitten, and when she got testy he knew just what to do to set her right. She was beautiful - painted a faded navy with a white racing stripe, matte aluminum rims and performance tires that shone with polish. If there was one thing he got right in this world, it was taking care of her. Countless failed relationships later, at least he had that.

At eight p.m. he could see a storm brewing behind the colorful clouds in the western sky. Thunder and lightning made him uneasy - he was a man of lists, predictable outcomes, goals and achievements. He calculated every step, every possible result before making a move. Even now, he knew the risks he was taking by attempting to break the sound barrier. Not knowing when or where mother nature's fury might strike was maddening, and unnerving on a level he didn't quite understand. Frustrated, he pulled the e-brake, spun her around and pushed the accelerator to the floor back in the direction of home.

Michael made a living out of studying the most unpredictable thing on earth - human behavior. His career in forensic psychology was a challenge he didn't always relish; being confronted daily with death, tragedy, abuse and neglect will leave an impression on even the hardest man. Three years ago, after he decided he had seen enough of One Police Plaza. New York was a dark, haunted place for him now, one that would never hold the same glory and shiny promise as it did when he graduated from NYU. He packed his duffel bag, gassed up and left for the quieter country of old New England.

He drove aimlessly on back country highways, and when his gas tank ran dry, decided to call that place home. After buying an old burned out Victorian on the cheap in a suburb called West Haven, he opened his practice in victim counseling. Helping to change the lives of living people felt better on his soul than trying to interpret the voices of the dead. His empathy often got the best of him at crime scenes; his talent was being able to see the scene from the victim's point of view, and as often as that unique perspective helped solve a grisly case, it led to dreams filled with the ghostly echoes of voices he could never quite understand.

Some nights, those voices still haunted him.

Pulling into his driveway shortly after nine, he heard the first swollen raindrops splashing on the roof. He tucked his aviators behind the visor, took a deep breath and prepared to run for it. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

beginnings

Present Day

Lightning struck a few hundred yards from where she stood, yet she didn't flinch. Nothing in this world was left to surprise her.

Evening snuck up on the world tonight; the darkness of the storm swallowed the skies before the sunset had his say. Soft grey ghosts of fog floated like soldiers across a battlefield at dawn, and small bullets of rain soon followed. As she opened up her umbrella it began to pour, and her delight at nature's chaos was barely hidden.

So appropriate, she thought. Tonight would be the night that she would show the world.

The Beginning

"REEEGAN!" her mother shouted across the three yards that separated her from her prison.
Resigned to leaving him for the night, she dawdled as long as possible until another shrill scream reverberated off the neighbor's houses. "Time to go," she sighed.

She was as in love with him as a fifteen year old girl could be. Conor was beautiful in his own way - long brown hair, hazel Irish eyes that changed color with his moods, and lips plumper than cherries in June. So kissable, those lips... forbidden thoughts for a young catholic girl. She said a few Hail Marys as the familiar guilt took over, and the gravel crunched under her feet on her short walk home.

I'm going to need a whole lot more than prayers to get me through this, she thought. She tugged down the hem of her shorts and smoothed her hair in preparation for what was to come. Absentmindedly she rested a hand on her belly and hopped the fence. Show time.


Monday, July 4, 2011

Giving In

fingers bleeding
head pounding
ringing in my ears that I can't stop
a fresh cut on my thigh is screaming
"why do you do this to yourself.."
this masochistic mess I've made
of burned out hopes, twisted dreams
stares back at me, smirking,
cackling its fucked up pleasure
at my imminent demise.
I rub my eyes with fury
throw my fists into the wall and scream
as dusty tears of disappointment fall,
reflections of my broken soul.
I crumple into wrinkled folds
and pull at something 'til it bleeds
just for proof of life.
Sometimes I wonder
who could love a thing like this.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

midnight music

take a walk with me
walk into the darkness
walk along the lonely streets that have crowded up my mind
see shadows dance while the fireflies sing
sweet melodies along a whispering wind
and watch me spin in circles with them.
come on, throw your arms out and spin with me
laugh like you did, before
let yourself be free with me
here in this starlight mottled darkness.
can you hear the songs fly through the trees?
can you see the rhythm like I do?
everything in this life is music.
come, walk with me
I'll show you.

Monday, June 27, 2011

consequences

lost and lonely
wanting nothing more than to be alone
hating myself
and these contradictions.
anger bubbles from infected sores
that I should have lanced long ago.
I laugh condescendingly at myself
as I realize
the last few ties that bind us
bind me
will be my undoing.

where are my knives when I need them.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Tornado

I had a rough night last night.
Straight out of a horror movie. All I needed was some bloodshed.
Took pup for a walk, was followed into the blackness of the dead end road that never scares me by a hooded figure dancing from shadow to shadow.
Spoke to him/her/it, got no response. Pup bared his teeth and pulled a hell hound growl from somewhere deep. Figure seemed to float along the opposite side of the road, but in my direction. When I got close, it slipped into the trees. No sound. Creepy. Was it a ghost? I'm still not entirely sure.
Back in the house, I double checked all my locks, turned some lights on and everything else off so I could hear any noises, and went upstairs to bed.
Cue noises.
Small bumps, pops, things that could have easily been the house settling. A couple big ones that got the dog's dander up. I went downstairs and looked around, didn't see anything suspicious but I have to admit, I wasn't looking very hard.
I tried to distract myself with texts, twitter and other assorted online sites, and eventually I fell asleep.
Talk about vivid dreams.
First one, I was driving along with my uncle on a road by our small airport in town. As I looked up at the sky, I watched an EF5 tornado form. The spout was about 500 yards from my windshield. I was in total shock, unable to move or drive, and as it came toward my car I could hear my uncle screaming and I felt my ears pop.
I woke up drenched in sweat, screaming.
Second dream, I came downstairs in the morning after shutting off my alarm to find out I had been robbed, and the burglar was still in the house. It was early, I could tell around 6 am by the light coming through the kitchen window. He took everything, I had nothing left - no furniture, no food, nothing. My dog was nowhere to be found, and I started to cry. Then, he came for me. I ran up the stairs, screaming, crying.
At this point I woke up, screaming again, but it felt so real I went running downstairs expecting to find my house empty.
Little did I know, someone actually tried to break in. I must have heard the noises while I was sleeping, causing the dream.
There are crowbar marks on my exterior windowsills.
Fuckers.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

I went for a run tonight.

I went for a run tonight.
I've always loved to run after dark. I feel more solitude and peace.
There's a spot not far away that I always gravitate to; it's secluded, quiet, with an unobstructed, expansive view of the southern sky. There are no streetlights, save for the distant highway amber globes. Fireflies flicker and dance in the trees, and I can really be alone.
I even ran without music tonight.
I don't jog. I run. Through nine years of track my coaches always wondered how I could keep such a pace. I've never been able to run great distances, but the miles I do feel like milestones more than accumulated inches.
I don't run every day anymore. I haven't for a while now. I save it for days when I need it most.
Tonight I ran like I was chasing the heels of the devil himself.
I ended it flat out exhausted. Collapsed on my driveway and stared at the stars. It felt incredible.
I reflected on some things.
I spent some time today with a man I barely know. I call him my "ghost." I see my pain in a cracked reflection in his beautiful blue eyes.
Sometimes I make decisions with my heart before my head can stop me. I'm just that girl. I want to give myself to everyone and everything, and I end up stretched too thin. Some people are suspicious, and question my motives. Some people take my gestures to mean that I'm looking for something. Sometimes, I help people that I later realize I shouldn't have. Most of the time, making a difference in someone's day, even for a moment, makes a difference in my life. That's the reason why I do what I do, why I am who I am.
Once in a while, though, I come across a broken soul. Someone like me.
Those days are the days that I run.
I went for a run tonight.

Friday, June 10, 2011

beautiful skies

sometimes
I get lost in the skies
swept away on the breeze
adrift in the sunset.
then, sometimes
I get clouds in my eyes
and I lose all my dreams
as I try to forget.
this time,
I'll remember goodbye
as I sway with the trees
and let go of regrets.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Dangerous confessions

I need darkness.
I need solitude and silence.
I need you.
You see through my defenses.

Our souls reach for each other
I can feel the pull of your gravity on mine.

I am the sea, you are the moon.
your fingers grip the sand
as I embrace you
envelope you
your feet
your knees
sliding up your spine
splashing your chest
caressing your shoulders
finally your neck
a cool, soft kiss
as I caress you into slumber.

I know you feel me.

God, I ache for you
in this hallowed, sea swept stillness.

If only you knew.

Monday, May 16, 2011

wanting beautiful



the velvet darkness swallows me
as my guitar cries
my soul lies bare
leaving my heart in the pitch
as the candle flickers out

I'm waiting, wanting you
knowing you
longing for your beautiful touch
searching each raindrop for your desperate whisper.

I can hear your soul
screaming for me
lost somewhere in the distant shadows
muted by pain
hidden by deceit
afraid to give in to the longing

I'm left wanting
my soul burning black
my very being
belongs to you, only you
if only I could reach you.

my fingers find the strings
and I play for you
while you wait for someday
until then
I will sing and strum in the dark
left wanting beautiful.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

little white lie


I fell asleep this afternoon and awoke to a beautiful sunset. It's times like these, I think of you.

Do you remember the days when we sat on the front porch, squeezed together facing one another on the loveseat with our knees entangled? Neither of us wanted more space than that between us.

A bare candle flickered on the corner table near our neglected chairs, and we talked about everything and nothing at all. As the sun set, the shadows lengthened, dramatic and infinite. When your eyes found mine, I knew without words that you wished these days would never end.

I'd wiggle my sleepy bare toes under my skirt and you would shift slightly with me, sensitive to my comfort. So close we could almost feel each other's heartbeat ... every movement we shared seemed heavy with meaning and promise ... like when I rested my palm on your knee to steady myself as I shifted just a little. I said I was moving because my leg was asleep, but really I wanted to get just a little bit closer, maybe catch your scent in the air. I hope you didn't mind my little white lie.

Once I settled, you leaned forward, channeling James Dean with your elbows atop your knees and a look on your face that promised beautiful trouble. You asked if you could tell me a secret, trying hard not to smile.  "Of course you can," I replied, barely contained excitement building. As I leaned in and turned my left ear slightly toward you, you lifted your right hand and I closed my eyes, hoping for your touch. My skin tingled as you brushed a stray curl back over my shoulder; my pulse raced as I felt your warm breath on my cheek. I wrapped my bare arms around your folded leg and rested my chin on your knee. Your shirt smelled of pine cones and cedar smoke, your skin like an ocean sunrise ... as I sit here now, I'm still intoxicated, waiting with bated breath for you to speak, as I was so long ago.

You rested your forehead on my temple, absently played with my bracelets, and whispered softly to me for what felt like hours. I smiled and laughed just a little, turned and made eye contact as our noses touched ... "Is that all?" I asked, and the fire in your eyes matched mine. Finally you smiled, lifting my spirits to the heavens, and we laughed together into the darkness.

When the sun spills through the porch windows  and the wind is blowing just right, I can hear the echoes of our blessed innocence careening through the trees. How I wish with all my heart that you were still here.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

your distant echoes

a warm summer breeze
catches my hair
caressing my face
like a lover's hand, warm and inviting.
I close my eyes and
there you are again
your touch, barely a whisper.

In the mellow twilight, I hear your voice ...
it sings from somewhere far.
sweet melodies
echo in the dancing flames
and warm my bitter heart.

vivid memory takes over
my flesh remembers yours
my hand knows your chest
my arm knows your waist
my lips, the nape of your neck...
I swear 
I can taste you.

your song is calling me
beckoning
screaming with longing
setting my drowning soul on fire.

these words
your words
break the sweet silence
and I am forever yours.
your cadence is perfection
with on exception.

your distance.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Can you love a whisper?

Can you love a whisper?
An echo of your breath begins
with shadows creeping in.

The twilight sky keeps these secrets
my stolen glances
my timid words
my flickering flame that burns for you.

I wonder.
I felt you, that night.
I felt your breath across my neck
your hand upon my chest
as we drifted into sweet, soft sleep.

I really do wonder.
When skin meets skin
lips to lips, nose to throat
does my scent intoxicate you
as yours enraptures me?

Anticipation screams in me
as I wait with bated breath
my body tense
senses acute
for your beautiful words.

God, please..
Just speak to me.

Is it love?
Can you love a whisper?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Sunday drive

Crashing through life at ridiculous speeds, we take no prisoners as the dust flies behind our burnt rubber trail. The radio is screaming guitars and bleeding drums as we speed through hairpin corners. You look at me as I laugh with reckless abandon and obvious pleasure, and wonder out loud how it is that I'm not afraid.

"Fear is just a speed bump in this masochistic life," I reply when you have a lengthy, serious pause. "Now quit being cautious and step on it..." I holler into the atmosphere as my lungs fill with sweet, salty air. You don't disappoint, and the world around us goes flashing by in a barrage of color and wonder. I laugh and laugh again; the tires chirp in spirited agreement as my fingers slide carelessly through your hair.

On a bit of a straight stretch now along the ocean, my hand finds its way, almost of is own volition, into yours. You look at me and our eyes connect on a level few ever find. I smile at you, and you glow just a little. How I adore it when you smile ... I wonder for a selfish moment if it might be me that makes you look this way.

Until someday comes, let's hit the road ... you're like the wind in my hair ... I just can't get enough.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

A cold rain

Cold waters tumble down on me tonight
blurred skies crying chilled sorrow and disdain
the lonely pavement weeps for secret lies
that my feet bare witness to in the rain.
the echoes of my delayed intrusion
become muted sighs in between the trees
as the flowers shiver in torn confusion
between hibernation and honey bees.
The four a.m. darkness is comforting
my blue umbrella keeps me warm and dry
as I ponder my aimless wandering
beneath ambiguous and lonely skies.
I must be searching for something dour
To be walking in the rain at this hour.


It's been a looooong time since I've attempted a sonnet. please forgive the lack of meter.

Friday, April 15, 2011

First fire of the season

Sitting in my back yard with my little brothers, a couple six packs and a fire ... this is just lovely.
The best part of owning a house is not answering to anyone.

I'm so glad this week is over. I'm due for some R&R.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Just One...

you really don't know,
do you?

just a little sideways smile
a gentle laugh
the smell of you
can be enough.
tell me something small
something sweet
just to get me by until tomorrow...

with you
comes the glowing sun
everything slows, time ... almost stops
and for one moment,
a beautiful moment,
I forget why I'm alone.

Just tell me something
one little thing
to think of 'til we meet again ...

God, if only you knew
how that little kiss
so innocent
so pure
just brought me to my knees
beneath a tidal wave of heartbeats
and willing melodies.

I beg you, give me one little thing
something just for me
one spark of you
to get me through the day...
just one.

here's to new beginnings

So I begin again ... anew.

Prior blogs have too much past attached ... it's time to reinvent.

Renew.

Much love.