Yesterday was my birthday. As usual, it passed uncelebrated. One or more of my family always finds something better to do with their time that day; this year it was my brother, so I've just become accustomed to working and letting it pass. Somehow, it still hurts.
This year, I spent some time reflecting on why my life is the way that it is. I've said it before, and it still rings true; sometimes I feel like I'm paying for the sins of 100 lives. My paternal grandmother considered herself a bit otherworldly; psychic, witch, however you'd like to refer to it, she felt she could tap into things beyond the norm. I didn't see her much growing up, but when I was a child, she did a "reading" on me, and gave the details to my mother - all that has been relayed to me is that I lived many past lives on this earth, making me an old soul. Mom refuses to tell me the rest.
I wonder, sometimes, if she doesn't tell me because what was "read" was not at all pleasant. Otherwise, why bother hiding it?
Unpleasant past lives would make sense, considering how troubled my current one is. I know that all souls on earth have struggles, and face problems all their own that seem insurmountable. I do not mean to discount what anyone else goes through; all I know is that this life, for me, has been non-stop struggle and strife, bad luck and bad decisions. At the age of eighteen I had gone through more life crises than most fourty-year-olds, and the pattern just continues. To say I'm tired would be a gross understatement.
I'm giving up. I've had enough. My emotions are flat, my tears are dried up, and I've nothing left in my voice to scream. I'm tired of seeing injustice in this world, being an unwilling victim of circumstance, trying to stay positive, to see the silver lining just to get punched in the face, and never being able to get out ahead of it all to catch my breath.
I've struggled too much, been put through too much for this life to be a long one.
I've come to the conclusion that we do not need to fear going to Hell.
We're already living in it.
