Southbound

Lost and lonely
I leave it all behind
Searching for something
Southbound.

Pouring rain

Mother nature amazes me.

When the skies open up out of nowhere and you can hear the rain assaulting the roof, seeming like it will break through any second ... then it's obvious, she is all powerful.

It's a heady thought.

My mind likes to wander when it rains. It's been wandering to this guy, muddling the thought of him around in my head for a while. I enjoy making him laugh. I have a bit of a love affair with getting to know people; I ask little questions, here and there, testing the waters to see if this is someone I might trust enough to let into my circle.

It's a very, very small circle.

In what I consider to be an era of my life that has been rampant with intentional solitude, it's nice to find someone who sparks the interest in me to dig.

Who knows. In another month I might be calling him an asshole. Stay tuned.

Love

It's officially the first of September. I always feel a renewed sense of faith in life once this date arrives. This is my time - I live for late summer and fall.

Against all odds, today was a good day. Maybe it's just my underlying heady excitement, but I'm smiling nonetheless. I changed jobs recently, and working in a new city, with different people in a much faster paced environment has been quite stressful, but I finally feel like I've found my groove. The possibility of a new career track is exciting and keeps me driven. A lot of things went wrong there today; a lot of silly mistakes were made, the majority of people around me were cranky and negative - honestly it felt like the whole building had PMS. I did my best to try and lighten the mood whenever possible, and I think I found some new friends in the process. It's amazing what you're capable of when you're determined to make the best of things.

Today, I felt the pattern break. I laughed and talked, poked and prodded, fucked around with and sang to someone I barely know. These are things I haven't done in over a decade ... and knowing it put a smile on his face warmed my heart and soul.

Surprise, surprise.

Just another day.

Yesterday was my birthday. As usual, it passed uncelebrated. One or more of my family always finds something better to do with their time that day; this year it was my brother, so I've just become accustomed to working and letting it pass. Somehow, it still hurts.

This year, I spent some time reflecting on why my life is the way that it is. I've said it before, and it still rings true; sometimes I feel like I'm paying for the sins of 100 lives. My paternal grandmother considered herself a bit otherworldly; psychic, witch, however you'd like to refer to it, she felt she could tap into things beyond the norm. I didn't see her much growing up, but when I was a child, she did a "reading" on me, and gave the details to my mother - all that has been relayed to me is that I lived many past lives on this earth, making me an old soul. Mom refuses to tell me the rest.

I wonder, sometimes, if she doesn't tell me because what was "read" was not at all pleasant. Otherwise, why bother hiding it?

Unpleasant past lives would make sense, considering how troubled my current one is. I know that all souls on earth have struggles, and face problems all their own that seem insurmountable. I do not mean to discount what anyone else goes through; all I know is that this life, for me, has been non-stop struggle and strife, bad luck and bad decisions. At the age of eighteen I had gone through more life crises than most fourty-year-olds, and the pattern just continues. To say I'm tired would be a gross understatement.

I'm giving up. I've had enough. My emotions are flat, my tears are dried up, and I've nothing left in my voice to scream. I'm tired of seeing injustice in this world, being an unwilling victim of circumstance, trying to stay positive, to see the silver lining just to get punched in the face, and never being able to get out ahead of it all to catch my breath.

I've struggled too much, been put through too much for this life to be a long one.

I've come to the conclusion that we do not need to fear going to Hell.
We're already living in it.

Unmedicated me

For the last five years or so, I've been on a mild antidepressant medication. I was put on it by my doctor after the breakup of my engagement, which in the end became extremely unhealthy and abusive, and resulted in my deep suicidal depression. I'm sure there's a blog or two about the specific events buried here somewhere.

About three weeks ago now, I was taken off said medication. Doc thinks I'm doing so well that I don't need it anymore. This should be good, right? I didn't even want to take it in the first place. Even so, I was a bit nervous as the bottle got emptier and emptier. What would happen?

My life and soul were such a mess five years ago, I didn't think I would survive it. Obviously now I am a different person than I was before. Ten years older, five years wiser, battle-scarred and a little jaded, but how much of my "healed" personality was/is dictated by this little pill?

Scary stuff, when you really think about it.

Some noteworthy observations:

The crazy intense dreams have become more manageable; fewer nightmares.
No more side-effect dry mouth
Insomnia is less frequent
My temper flares a little hotter
I laugh a little louder
I cry a little more often, and now when I get mad
My family gets on my nerves a lot quicker
My internal radio has come back, and switches stations more often
I'm a little less patient
Things that bother me stick with me a little bit longer
I'm more aware of my surroundings
I like what I see in the mirror far more often
I'm less self-critical
I don't think for quite as long before I speak
My memory is improving
My senses seem a bit heightened, although that could be the summer weather.
Coffee wakes me up again.

Nothing drastic, really - the hardest part is adjusting to the irritations that come with my family, and getting reacquainted with myself. I just find it fascinating how much even a little filter can alter your view on the world.

This is actually my first public discussion on the subject; very few people in my life know I've been taking antidepressants. Maybe being off them now has made me feel like more of a success story and less of a failure for not being able to handle my life on my own.

Whether or not this was a mistake will remain to be seen. Just chalk it up to another in the line from the queen of bad decisions. ;-)

I try to keep awake ...

Exhausted, without plausible cause.

I'm not sure what's missing; only that something definitely is. I seem to circle this bundle of emotional gunfire every once in a while.

Breathing, is the hardest thing to do ... 

There are times in my life when words fail. It is these times that I wish I could just reply to everything with lyrics, shout them at passersby without provocation, scream them at the top of my lungs when no one is listening, and sit sullenly in a bar somewhere sipping a martini with the jukebox blaring.

No, I don't often drink beer at bars. If I'm in a bar paying for service, you can be damned sure I'm ordering a drink. I can crack a Corona Light and lime it with my eyes closed. If I walk into your view some night, fresh off the motorcycle, and you start making assumptions based on how I'm dressed or the way I'm walking, you're just the type I'd rather not speak to anyway.

Refer to the rock song of the moment for clarification, if you so choose. Sometimes I think the radio knows me better than any man ever will.

Suddenly angry and aggressive, without plausible cause.

Who am I kidding ... for that there's a very definite cause. One I've thus far been refusing to deal with on an emotional level.

With the lights out, this is dangerous ...

I walk like I mean it. If you know what's best, you'll likely get out of the way.

I've been changin' but you'll never see me now ...

Ten years.
Ten years ago I met the man that almost killed me.

I'd like to think I'm a stronger person now. I'd like to believe I'd have the strength to turn him away if he showed up at my doorstep. It would be comforting to know I'm better off without him.

Certainty, however, has proven herself to be an unstable mistress.

Bathed in warm southern sun, I recently took stock of myself and of my life.

I am strong.
I am fearless.
I am the rock that so many cling to when life spirals out of control.
I choose to be wherever I am at any given moment. Every decision I make is mine.
I am an artist
a poet
and a songwriter for wild blue jays.
I love wind chimes, the ocean, the lakes and mountains, and the changing of seasons.
I am the best friend you could ever have.
I am loyal, dedicated, and will fight for what I believe in until the day I die.
I am proud to take a stand.
I command attention just by walking into a room.
(Someone once said to me "you walk like you mean it." I've never gotten a better compliment.)
I am nothing without music.
I love how men smell.
I love thunderstorms.
I can't forget the smell of summer trees after midnight.
Music is life.
I am a gardener. I believe in heirlooms.
I love my country and all that defend it.
I cry whenever I see soldiers marching in a parade.
I miss my grandparents, and envy others who had so much more time with theirs.
My favorite flower is the Shasta daisy.
My soul is too wild to be tamed.
I am passionate
I am driven
I get myself into trouble more often than not.
I live for Halloween and baseball.
I don't think imitation is the purest form of flattery; I think it's bullshit.
I hate small talk.
I like words that count.
I care too much, love too much, and keep people in my life for too long.

I am a fighter.
I am a survivor.
Sometimes I take everything too seriously.

I believe in second chances.
I believe in miracles.
I believe that anything is possible.


Florida restores me. It centers me, and gives me the space and perspective I need to sort through everything and figure out what's next.

Yesterday was the first day I've felt true to myself in a very, very long time.

The lion is back.

Sunday

Today, you touched me.
A simple slip of your hand, caressing my skin, and then as if by memory finding mine.
I've never experienced something so natural with a stranger.
It was as if we'd been lovers for a lifetime - so familiar, so normal.
Your smile was captivating, real, raw. As I watched you walk away up the stairs, I knew something had just happened; it was there, bright and plain in your beautiful, smiling eyes.

In that instant, we both forgot the pain that was so separate and isolating, and allowed ourselves to relax again. Your rhythm matched mine, our heartbeats were one, and for a moment I remembered why life is worth living. I stopped thinking, stopped reacting ... just felt.

I have never felt so at peace, so understood by another human being.

You and I must have been very close, in another life.

Life flies by at alarming speeds, but today, for one moment, time stood still.
Less than five seconds changed my life.

Bleed

the little black pieces of my heart are bleeding.

the pain is almost too much to bear.

his words

my pulse

synchronicity.

terrified of hope

we both run, escape into the sun

pretending, while life goes on

when in the dark

the truth comes by candlelight...

something's amiss 

without the other...

and then the little black pieces of my heart keep beating.

the little grey ghosts of his soul start weeping

and the pain 

is almost too much to bear.

My Rain

With the rain

comes my submission

Each languid drop

softens my will.

Trails of liquid fire fall,

blazing paths down heated skin

Trace them with your hands

your lips

your deepest, darkest thoughts.

Linger

on soaking, lonely, heavy lashes

wet hair tucked behind my ear

bare neck pulsing to the beat of the storm

Lose the trail beneath the buttons 

of my soaked sundress.

As my body softens with each drop

Mold hips to hips,

skin to skin...

Alone here in this moment

I am yours.

Become my rain.