Unmedicated me

For the last five years or so, I've been on a mild antidepressant medication. I was put on it by my doctor after the breakup of my engagement, which in the end became extremely unhealthy and abusive, and resulted in my deep suicidal depression. I'm sure there's a blog or two about the specific events buried here somewhere.

About three weeks ago now, I was taken off said medication. Doc thinks I'm doing so well that I don't need it anymore. This should be good, right? I didn't even want to take it in the first place. Even so, I was a bit nervous as the bottle got emptier and emptier. What would happen?

My life and soul were such a mess five years ago, I didn't think I would survive it. Obviously now I am a different person than I was before. Ten years older, five years wiser, battle-scarred and a little jaded, but how much of my "healed" personality was/is dictated by this little pill?

Scary stuff, when you really think about it.

Some noteworthy observations:

The crazy intense dreams have become more manageable; fewer nightmares.
No more side-effect dry mouth
Insomnia is less frequent
My temper flares a little hotter
I laugh a little louder
I cry a little more often, and now when I get mad
My family gets on my nerves a lot quicker
My internal radio has come back, and switches stations more often
I'm a little less patient
Things that bother me stick with me a little bit longer
I'm more aware of my surroundings
I like what I see in the mirror far more often
I'm less self-critical
I don't think for quite as long before I speak
My memory is improving
My senses seem a bit heightened, although that could be the summer weather.
Coffee wakes me up again.

Nothing drastic, really - the hardest part is adjusting to the irritations that come with my family, and getting reacquainted with myself. I just find it fascinating how much even a little filter can alter your view on the world.

This is actually my first public discussion on the subject; very few people in my life know I've been taking antidepressants. Maybe being off them now has made me feel like more of a success story and less of a failure for not being able to handle my life on my own.

Whether or not this was a mistake will remain to be seen. Just chalk it up to another in the line from the queen of bad decisions. ;-)