"He took very good care of me, made me feel like I was his world and the only thing that mattered. I started to believe it; that's when I knew it had to end."
Unfortunately I'm quoting myself. Sometimes it takes an honest conversation with a non-judgmental friend to really figure things out. There's a lot to this story, but for now I'll start at the beginning.
The last few months of my life have been tumultuous at best - nothing inspires reflection quite like having your world turned upside down. I've had a lot of time to think, and to wonder just what the hell I'm doing here, in this life, WITH this life, and why I've done what I've done. I've come full circle, back to where I was before the destructive cycle of depression and abuse began. It's been four years, almost to the day ... I need to know what's left.
Some things, I find, are the same. I care for people too deeply. I've spent my life building walls of defenses around what's left of my badly damaged heart. I don't let people into my life - it's just not what I do. I give everyone a little bit of time and space, but there are barriers. Contrary to the image everyone sees, I am an intensely private person. It's rare I meet someone that reaches me on a level that builds real trust. Even then, I warn them ... don't get too close, because I'm a glorious disaster and when I decide to let you in, it's permanent. I give everyone I truly care about a little piece of my heart, and I never recover it. I've met a lot of people who don't like that part of me. It seems to me that no one out there really understands. It's not a choice, it's how my emotions are wired; if I love you, I would die for you, period. It is possible to hold more than one person up at that level in your life. It's also extremely heart-wrenching. Many people tell me my emotional capacity is a blessing ... I can't help feeling like it's a curse.
I suppose it was inevitable in this self assessment to also find some things changed. I'm not as confident in my judgment as I used to be. I suppose that stems from my lack of ability to see Sean for what he truly was ... he fooled me for a long, long time. Even to this day I'm still not sure what happened or when everything fell apart. All I know is I missed my cue to exit, and I still bear the scars.
I've made some serious mistakes so far this year. I've bonded with people who didn't feel the same, I've started friendships that ended in disaster and heartbreak ... I continued down a path that I knew I couldn't follow for long, and probably fucked up some lives in the process.
I was in a relationship that never should have started. I allowed myself to believe words I knew were spun from false threads ... more than once. I allowed myself to live in a fantasy world, to believe for just a moment that yes, it was possible. Yes, he really did mean it when he said I meant the world to him. Maybe, just maybe, I found something real and "always" wasn't a lie this time. I knew it would hurt, that it wouldn't end well, and here I sit, reminiscing. I wonder how many others there are now, hearing the same words spun just as beautifully. I wonder if they are enjoying it as much as I did. Even with the pain, I will always remember it fondly.
Maybe questioning my judgment isn't entirely a bad thing. Sometimes I trust the wrong people. Sometimes I put my faith in the wrong things. Sometimes I make decisions with my heart instead of my head, and vice versa. I really am quite a mess, but I am a beautiful one, and I refuse to lose faith that somewhere, someday, every piece of my life will fit together (or fall together in one glorious clusterfuck of a pile) and finally make sense.
To be continued...
