consequences

lost and lonely
wanting nothing more than to be alone
hating myself
and these contradictions.
anger bubbles from infected sores
that I should have lanced long ago.
I laugh condescendingly at myself
as I realize
the last few ties that bind us
bind me
will be my undoing.

where are my knives when I need them.

Tornado

I had a rough night last night.
Straight out of a horror movie. All I needed was some bloodshed.
Took pup for a walk, was followed into the blackness of the dead end road that never scares me by a hooded figure dancing from shadow to shadow.
Spoke to him/her/it, got no response. Pup bared his teeth and pulled a hell hound growl from somewhere deep. Figure seemed to float along the opposite side of the road, but in my direction. When I got close, it slipped into the trees. No sound. Creepy. Was it a ghost? I'm still not entirely sure.
Back in the house, I double checked all my locks, turned some lights on and everything else off so I could hear any noises, and went upstairs to bed.
Cue noises.
Small bumps, pops, things that could have easily been the house settling. A couple big ones that got the dog's dander up. I went downstairs and looked around, didn't see anything suspicious but I have to admit, I wasn't looking very hard.
I tried to distract myself with texts, twitter and other assorted online sites, and eventually I fell asleep.
Talk about vivid dreams.
First one, I was driving along with my uncle on a road by our small airport in town. As I looked up at the sky, I watched an EF5 tornado form. The spout was about 500 yards from my windshield. I was in total shock, unable to move or drive, and as it came toward my car I could hear my uncle screaming and I felt my ears pop.
I woke up drenched in sweat, screaming.
Second dream, I came downstairs in the morning after shutting off my alarm to find out I had been robbed, and the burglar was still in the house. It was early, I could tell around 6 am by the light coming through the kitchen window. He took everything, I had nothing left - no furniture, no food, nothing. My dog was nowhere to be found, and I started to cry. Then, he came for me. I ran up the stairs, screaming, crying.
At this point I woke up, screaming again, but it felt so real I went running downstairs expecting to find my house empty.
Little did I know, someone actually tried to break in. I must have heard the noises while I was sleeping, causing the dream.
There are crowbar marks on my exterior windowsills.
Fuckers.

I went for a run tonight.

I went for a run tonight.
I've always loved to run after dark. I feel more solitude and peace.
There's a spot not far away that I always gravitate to; it's secluded, quiet, with an unobstructed, expansive view of the southern sky. There are no streetlights, save for the distant highway amber globes. Fireflies flicker and dance in the trees, and I can really be alone.
I even ran without music tonight.
I don't jog. I run. Through nine years of track my coaches always wondered how I could keep such a pace. I've never been able to run great distances, but the miles I do feel like milestones more than accumulated inches.
I don't run every day anymore. I haven't for a while now. I save it for days when I need it most.
Tonight I ran like I was chasing the heels of the devil himself.
I ended it flat out exhausted. Collapsed on my driveway and stared at the stars. It felt incredible.
I reflected on some things.
I spent some time today with a man I barely know. I call him my "ghost." I see my pain in a cracked reflection in his beautiful blue eyes.
Sometimes I make decisions with my heart before my head can stop me. I'm just that girl. I want to give myself to everyone and everything, and I end up stretched too thin. Some people are suspicious, and question my motives. Some people take my gestures to mean that I'm looking for something. Sometimes, I help people that I later realize I shouldn't have. Most of the time, making a difference in someone's day, even for a moment, makes a difference in my life. That's the reason why I do what I do, why I am who I am.
Once in a while, though, I come across a broken soul. Someone like me.
Those days are the days that I run.
I went for a run tonight.

beautiful skies

sometimes
I get lost in the skies
swept away on the breeze
adrift in the sunset.
then, sometimes
I get clouds in my eyes
and I lose all my dreams
as I try to forget.
this time,
I'll remember goodbye
as I sway with the trees
and let go of regrets.

Dangerous confessions

I need darkness.
I need solitude and silence.
I need you.
You see through my defenses.

Our souls reach for each other
I can feel the pull of your gravity on mine.

I am the sea, you are the moon.
your fingers grip the sand
as I embrace you
envelope you
your feet
your knees
sliding up your spine
splashing your chest
caressing your shoulders
finally your neck
a cool, soft kiss
as I caress you into slumber.

I know you feel me.

God, I ache for you
in this hallowed, sea swept stillness.

If only you knew.

wanting beautiful

the velvet darkness swallows me
as my guitar cries
my soul lies bare
leaving my heart in the pitch
as the candle flickers out

I'm waiting, wanting you
knowing you
longing for your beautiful touch
searching each raindrop for your desperate whisper.

I can hear your soul
screaming for me
lost somewhere in the distant shadows
muted by pain
hidden by deceit
afraid to give in to the longing

I'm left wanting
my soul burning black
my very being
belongs to you, only you
if only I could reach you.

my fingers find the strings
and I play for you
while you wait for someday
until then
I will sing and strum in the dark
left wanting beautiful.

little white lie

I fell asleep this afternoon and awoke to a beautiful sunset. It's times like these, I think of you.

Do you remember the days when we sat on the front porch, squeezed together facing one another on the loveseat with our knees entangled? Neither of us wanted more space than that between us.

A bare candle flickered on the corner table near our neglected chairs, and we talked about everything and nothing at all. As the sun set, the shadows lengthened, dramatic and infinite. When your eyes found mine, I knew without words that you wished these days would never end.

I'd wiggle my sleepy bare toes under my skirt and you would shift slightly with me, sensitive to my comfort. So close we could almost feel each other's heartbeat ... every movement we shared seemed heavy with meaning and promise ... like when I rested my palm on your knee to steady myself as I shifted just a little. I said I was moving because my leg was asleep, but really I wanted to get just a little bit closer, maybe catch your scent in the air. I hope you didn't mind my little white lie.

Once I settled, you leaned forward, channeling James Dean with your elbows atop your knees and a look on your face that promised beautiful trouble. You asked if you could tell me a secret, trying hard not to smile.  "Of course you can," I replied, barely contained excitement building. As I leaned in and turned my left ear slightly toward you, you lifted your right hand and I closed my eyes, hoping for your touch. My skin tingled as you brushed a stray curl back over my shoulder; my pulse raced as I felt your warm breath on my cheek. I wrapped my bare arms around your folded leg and rested my chin on your knee. Your shirt smelled of pine cones and cedar smoke, your skin like an ocean sunrise ... as I sit here now, I'm still intoxicated, waiting with bated breath for you to speak, as I was so long ago.

You rested your forehead on my temple, absently played with my bracelets, and whispered softly to me for what felt like hours. I smiled and laughed just a little, turned and made eye contact as our noses touched ... "Is that all?" I asked, and the fire in your eyes matched mine. Finally you smiled, lifting my spirits to the heavens, and we laughed together into the darkness.

When the sun spills through the porch windows  and the wind is blowing just right, I can hear the echoes of our blessed innocence careening through the trees. How I wish with all my heart that you were still here.